That's it, I have decided my next career choice...Reality TV Star. Popular culture has changed the entire definition of the words "reality" and "celebrity". There once was a time when you had to be able to do something to be a celebrity, and the word real actually represented something that may actually happen Now, not so much!
Reality has always been determined by perception. Now we have added a new aspect to that perception that the more fake tanned you are, the bigger your fake boobs are, the more incredibly vain you are about your clothes and physical looks, and the more disregard you show for money the more real your life is. So the way I figure it, I have to do nothing else but become as fake as possible to be a reality TV star. I can do that! Of course I am too old to be a teen mom, I have too many commitments to be living single in a house full of others, so we will have to go with the housewife theme.
In the development of my plan to launch my reality TV personality there were a few obstacles to overcome. First being that I actually have no money to have cosmetic surgery, or have my nails done weekly, or purchase all of the spray tan needed for an entire season. The savvy reality stars have moved to spray because it is more health conscious. I guess that weird fake orange colour is safer than fake light. As far as fake boobs I figure I will just finally spend the money on a really expensive bra with superior lift and separation capabilities. The diamond studded, incredibly long fake nails may be an issue. In a dry run of an episode one of my press on nails came shooting off while I was feeding the dogs and poked a pug in the eye. So we will have to address the safety issues there.
The second obstacle for the show is that my life is incredibly real, so therefore incredibly...um, boring. But in the true spirit of the reality TV world, events can be morphed into bits and bites, and words spoken and the faces made can be then strung together to form dramatic, false representation of what actually happened creating a new reality.
This will be awesome, my life will look like it rocks! The monthly trip for my daughter's Ortho appointment can be filmed as just a door closing to a doctor's office and then they can show a clip of me tearing up as we walk back to the car. The viewer doesn't need to know it is because the Orthodontist said she needs six more freakin' months of braces at $180 per. The cameras can also show scenes such as dramatic face offs between my teenage son and I in the kitchen. Panning back and forth between tense faces staring at each other with neither of us speaking. Again, the viewer doesn't need to know it is because I am telling him that it is ridiculous that he sets his dirty dishes on the counter right next to the dishwasher instead of taking the three seconds necessary to open the damn thing and place them in it. The almost daily trips to the grocery store will have to be edited showing the fronts of expensive stores to make it look like I have a shopping addiction. Conversations with my ex husband can be shown as short clips of exasperation, no fancy camera work needed there, unfortunately. There can be an episode where I become totally furious while working in my home office, it will look like I am handling the family business when in actual reality I am really upset because my mother finally figured out how to get on facebook and sent me a friend request...can nothing just be mine! As far as the dog kennel, I was thinking we could portray it as a disturbing obsession I have to hoard animals and I am always having to get rid of the old and bring in new ones.
I have put a lot of thought into this and I think we can pull it off. I have spoken to the kids about it and they are all in. Really they are at an age now that my parenting has already done so much psychological damage that a reality TV show exposing every detail of our lives will just go on the list. And if the kids can possibly get a spin off featuring themselves going to college, well that would just be a bonus.
A season or two of a reality TV show and I should be sitting pretty financially. I am not sure how much reality stars make but I am guessing price negotiations will start during the pitch of the show to the networks. If I want to ensure that I am banking the bucks I will have to pitch it with a great name. I am thinking something like, The Real Housewife ( has to be singular because I have no friends here) of the North, or Say Yes To The Mess, or House Boss, and then there is my personal favorite... Valium Vodka and Tears.
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