Really, this is reality?

That's it, I have decided my next career choice...Reality TV Star. Popular culture has changed the entire definition of the words "reality" and "celebrity". There once was a time when you had to be able to do something to be a celebrity, and the word real actually represented something that may actually happen  Now, not so much!

Reality has always been determined by perception. Now we have added a new aspect to that perception that the more fake tanned you are, the bigger your fake boobs are, the more incredibly vain you are about your clothes and physical looks, and the more disregard you show for money the more real your life is. So the way I figure it, I have to do nothing else but become as fake as possible to be a reality TV star. I can do that! Of course I am too old to be a teen mom, I have too many commitments to be living single in a house full of others, so we will have to go with the housewife theme.

In the development of my plan to launch my reality TV  personality there were a few obstacles to overcome. First being that I actually have no money to have cosmetic surgery, or have my nails done weekly, or purchase all of the spray tan needed for an entire season. The savvy reality stars have moved to spray because it is more health conscious. I guess that weird fake orange colour is safer than fake light. As far as fake boobs I figure I will just finally spend the money on a really expensive bra with superior lift and separation capabilities. The diamond studded, incredibly long fake nails may be an issue. In a dry run of an episode one of my press on nails came shooting off while I was feeding the dogs and poked a pug in the eye. So we will have to address the safety issues there.

The second obstacle for the show is that my life is incredibly real, so therefore incredibly...um, boring. But in the true spirit of the reality TV world, events can be morphed into bits and bites, and words spoken and the faces made can be then strung together to form dramatic, false representation of what actually happened creating a new reality.

This will be awesome, my life will look like it rocks! The monthly trip for my daughter's Ortho appointment can be filmed as just a door closing to a doctor's office and then they can show a clip of me tearing up as we walk back to the car. The viewer doesn't need to know it is because the Orthodontist said she needs six more freakin' months of braces at $180 per. The cameras can also show scenes such as dramatic face offs between my teenage son and I in the kitchen. Panning back and forth between tense faces staring at each other with neither of us speaking. Again, the viewer doesn't need to know it is because I am telling him that it is ridiculous that he sets his dirty dishes on the counter right next to the dishwasher instead of taking the three seconds necessary to open the damn thing and place them in it. The almost daily trips to the grocery store will have to be edited showing the fronts of expensive stores to make it look like I have a shopping addiction. Conversations with my ex husband can be shown as short clips of exasperation, no fancy camera work needed there, unfortunately. There can be an episode where I become totally furious while working in my home office, it will look like I am handling the family business when in actual reality I am really upset because my mother finally figured out how to get on facebook and sent me a friend request...can nothing just be mine! As far as the dog kennel, I was thinking we could portray it as a disturbing obsession I have to hoard animals and I am always having to get rid of the old and bring in new ones.

I have put a lot of thought into this and I think we can pull it off. I have spoken to the kids about it and they are all in. Really they are at an age now that my parenting has already done so much psychological damage that a reality TV show exposing every detail of our lives will just go on the list. And if the kids can possibly get a spin off featuring themselves going to college, well that would just be a bonus.

A season or two of a reality TV show and I should be sitting pretty financially. I am not sure how much reality stars make but I am guessing price negotiations will start during the pitch of the show to the networks. If  I want to ensure that I am banking the bucks I will have to pitch it with a great name. I am thinking something like,  The Real Housewife ( has to be singular because I have no friends here) of the North, or Say Yes To The Mess, or House Boss, and then there is  my personal favorite... Valium Vodka and Tears.

Time is on my mind

It has been years and years since I have had this much time to do whatever I wanted day in and day out. Of course I have some nonnegotiable responsibilities such as taking care of the dogs and the kids...probably should have written that in opposite order. And of course there are the standard house and home duties such as cooking, cleaning and other such nonsense. But overall, I have a lot of free time that I have to organize and do something with. It is a slightly overwhelming concept. It is a lot of responsibility to have no demands on your time. Sounds ludicrous I realize, but it is a major burden to shoulder to be totally in control of your own time schedule.

I didn't realize there was so much time in the day. Up until very recently I have owned at least one business, and usually had one or two additional contracts going on at the same time. My days were filled with running from one task to another. A good day meant only five items on the to-do-list carried over to tomorrow. Between raising kids and working it seemed the norm to just keep slogging each day to try to get more done then the previous one. I was immersed in the belief that the amount of time available was controlled by the amount of stuff that needed to get done. But I have come to learn that concept may not be true.

Time may indeed be controlled by a force outside of our world as we know it. How else could the drive that takes an average 12 minutes take a half an hour the morning you leave the house late. Or how can a day suddenly be gone and you realize you have not done anything productive, unless you count making an entire batch of cookies to replace the one you ate watching morning TV. The one that gets me the most is how the hours can take so long to pass the day you are putting off going for your morning run. On a larger scale, it is a confusing act of space and time that suddenly our little tiny children can look like the adults they are so quickly becoming, but yet an evening of homework, dishes and bedtime can take an age to end.

I don't know what the trick is to the mystery of time. I don't know why my favorite songs have become "blast from the past classic hits", I don't know how it is my 25 school year reunion in a couple years, but yet I have not managed to get to cleaning out that kitchen drawer  that has everything from corn holders to a child's grade four report card.
The only thing I do know is that I want to live every moment of it, appreciating both the slow and the quick moments of time.

I have once again started something and not followed through. I had set a goal to write daily in this blog...well maybe a more realistic goal would be three times a week.... okay, maybe once a week.
Don't get me wrong, I am writing daily. I am just not writing here. But I am writing, maybe not as actively as I had started out.
I have all sorts of reasons and justifications for not writing. I mean really, there is so much going on in my life every day. Its no wonder why I don't have an hour or two to sit and write about my exciting life. I'm living it man, not writing about it.
Today is a  perfect example of the demands on my time, its only eleven in the morning and I have already had a pretty full day. I have made french toast for two cheery, delightful children this morning as they yawned and stretched and woke up positive, ready to face a day of school. You know that they appreciated it too, at least I think that's what they said as I handed them their healthy lunch made with love.
After a delightful drive to drop the children in the school parking lot begging to be picked up early, I had to rush home to feed and clean up after five dogs who apparently would all like to break the sound barrier with their greetings. After scooping, comes the walking. This morning was only three dogs pulling me erratically down the hill as their noses lead them from side to side of the trail. This excitement is all happening in barely above freezing temperatures.
Once all my work outside is done and I am frozen solid, it is in the house to have a shower to remove the puppy perfume. Now that I am looking good I am on to the important work of laundry and cleaning bathrooms. Between stain removal and washing stuff off the mirror that I can never figure out how in the hell it gets on there, I have very little time for writing about things like how popular culture is effecting the development of our  personal relationships. I mean come on, I have too many things to do. Like today I have already booked a hair colouring appointment (not mine mind you, but rather my son's as he has decide to go black all over with red streaks throughout, his dad will love it!), I have searched the house for my daughter's novel study book after she sent me three text saying she couldn't find it anywhere and it just had to be here ( turns out it was in the side pocket of her bag at school), and tried to figure out how to turn on the damn Wii fit.
In all this madness I have to make sure to take a minute for myself. So I am off to eat four cookies (I will try to get the Wii fit going later) and get caught up on current events, it is very crucial to know who is indeed  the baby daddy, or who has found it necessary to go to divorce court, and finally what crucial health matters the Doctors have decided to scare the crap out of millions of viewers with.
So, tomorrow I will try to get back on the writing plan, but we will have to see how the schedule goes....I think there might be a breaking story on how using certain styles of toilet seats may  be the number one cause of lower back pain.

Learning curve

As my children get older returning to school is becoming much like Christmas and not in the way you probably think I mean. It used to be a fairly unpleasant activity to get the school supplies and the new clothes needed to be fully prepared for the upcoming academic year, but now it is actually quite easy and relaxed. As young children their, and my, vision was so short sighted, everything needed to be perfect. There was so much importance riding on each item whether it be the pencil sharpener or the type of socks I bought, and it seemed like there was so much stuff needed. Every year felt so expensive and stressful to get two children ready to go back to school.

Now it is really quite enjoyable and simple.  At my children's current age it is so much easier to prepare for their academic advancement. School supplies have narrowed to a short list of basically a binder, paper and pens because they are not actually going to use any of the other crap on the list, and if I do buy it they will loose it before they need it  and just borrow off a friend anyway. The clothes have been narrowed to cool shoes for $130, awesome jeans for $150 and a $180 hoodie, done! Because they don't want anything else, and won't wear anything else if I do buy it so...easy peasy.

Christmas has become the same. Being a single mother I always felt so much stress at Christmas time. I had to make things perfect and comfortable because my poor babies had to deal with the stress of being torn between their dad and I during the holiday season. I use to put so much effort into trying to make each present just right to try and make up for it. They didn't necessarily get tons of stuff, but I would be thinking about what I was going to do for Christmas in July for goodness sake. Eventually I realized that it has nothing to do with the stuff, presents are never going to be perfect and neither is going back to school. Get a few items they actually want and few things they actually need and then be done. Christmas is way more fun now, and so is going back to school.

The one thing I am not sure about though, is they both want a facial piercing this year, my daughter her nose and my son his lip. I have put everyone off until after first term...top grades and good work comments or we don't even discuss it (which is very possible as they are both good students, I wasn't thinking clearly). I will have to discuss it again with them. There is a part of me that doesn't actually care if the kids get a piercing because it is something they will wear for a while and then take out when they are tired of it. But there is another part of me that feels I should say no because I don't want to be judged by other parents, teachers and their father.

I am not sure what I am going to do, but I do know that the conversion of facial piercings will surface again, and we will have to come to a conclusion at some point...maybe I could get away with telling them to ask Santa?