While having my morning coffee, post dog check and pre-waking of children to go town for yet again more school clothes shopping (gack), I caught a glimpse of an interview with Carol Burnett.
It instantly took me back to being a young girl sitting on the living room floor staring up at the TV, with the whole world shut out for an hour, in great anticipation watching Carol Burnett walk out on to her stage to that unforgettable theme song in some fabulous outfit to deliver a wondrously witty monologue.
I was in awe of her because she was beautiful and glamorous, as well as incredibly smart and totally hilariously funny! I sooooo wanted to be her. I wanted to grow up and be a woman who was special and smart, while being funny and interesting. I wanted to be glamorous and sexy while saying smart and witty things... and not care about being considered a bitch, or worry that men would be threatened by me.
I felt the same about Mary Tyler Moore...desperately wanted to be Mary. I had a romantic vision of when I left home and moved to the big city that I would be like Mary. My life was going to be exciting, and adventurous. I would have the guts to face the world and bounce back no matter what happened. I would be talented, smart, funny, thin and pretty all at the same time. Oh ya, and have an awesome apartment, great clothes (probably a few less pantsuits as it was the late 80's not the early 70's) and a zany group of friends. Life would be my oyster and I too would toss my hat in the air and spin around with a smile on my face in the middle of traffic.
Well, it was close to that when I started my life on my own.... I shared an old apartment downtown with two other people with one of whom couldn't stand me, awesome! I had a crap job as a waitress at the Schnitzel Hut with mandatory outfits including lederhosen and feather in felt hat, again awesome! It was the late 80's/early 90's, so need I say any more about the great clothes, and I look terrible in hats. I barely made enough money to buy groceries after paying my share of the rent, had no career direction to strive for and my friends were mostly just drunk. So, as I say close. Practically life imitating art.
My early 20's were a tough time of trying to decipher who I thought I should be, who I really was and who I was going to be for others. I got tired of that and put myself exploration on hold and got married, had two fantastic children. When I was 30 I remembered my desire to be a Carol or Mary. Kept the fantastic kids, got rid of the not so fantastic marriage and moved forward, sometimes slowly and slightly to the side, but indeed forward all the same.
Ten years later at 40, my inner Carol and Mary are starting to surface. I do feel that I am getting to know myself, not the person I think I am suppose to be or the one others think I am, but the actual me. I am funny and smart, and it's not in a bitchy way. I do have something to say and that is alright, I have found the man who is comfortable with my strength. I have discovered that I can do anything, and I am now discovering that it is okay if I do nothing. The world has been my oyster over the years through incredible career moves and business opportunities, and I have enjoyed them all.
As for the glamour...there is not a lot of that. But that is okay, I don't think I want to live the glamorous life anymore, I have to go to sleep too early to be very glamorous. Beside it is hard to scoop poop in heels.
No comments:
Post a Comment